Change Of Life Read online

  It was then Tom spoke. “Before you go, Sam, there’s something I need to tell you.”

  I froze, my hands clenched on the back of one of the chairs. The kitchen had gone very quiet. I heard the click of a button on Max’s phone, it sounded like a pistol being cocked. It wasn’t only Adam who was going to be upset this evening. I had such a bad feeling about this whole thing.

  “Oh, what?” Sam did her well-practised, bored teenager pose.

  “This Robbie – it was him watching the house. I got Andy to look into it. He went to the supermarket – questioned the boy.” Tom sounded so pompous I wanted to slap him.

  Sam glowered at her father. I felt slightly queasy and sat down. I shook my head at Tom in exasperation. He was oblivious.

  “Nice one, Dad,” said Sam. “That’s just great. Wait till everyone hears about this. Are you going to go to the police about all our friends?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” said Tom, dismissively. He didn’t even look at her. “You said yourself you were uneasy about him.”

  “Yes, but…” Sam shook her head. I wondered if Tom really did have no idea how misguided he was.

  “Anyway,” he continued, unabashed, “Andy’s bringing the boy round in about half an hour, so he can explain himself.”

  Sam gasped. Max laid down his phone, looked from Tom, to Sam, to me. I tried to summon up the wherewithal to intervene. I was too slow.

  “What?” shrieked Jenny. She’d been standing, a pile of crockery in her hands, listening to the exchange between her father and her sister. Now she slammed the plates and bowls onto the table. She stared angrily at her father. “I don’t believe you sometimes! Listen to yourself – how arrogant can you get!” She looked at Sam and me, turned her palms up and raised her shoulders, as if checking that we were as outraged as she was.

  “Robbie’s being bloody dragged round here,” she went on, “to ‘explain himself’.” She made a mocking, quotation marks gesture in the air. “Christ, you’re embarrassing!”

  “Look, Jen-” Tom did not sound remotely conciliatory.

  But Jenny wasn’t looking for pacification. “No, you look, Dad. I begged you not to do this – but, oh no – you always know best.” She gave her father a look of such defiance. “Well I’m off, don’t expect me to attend this - this repulsive inquisition!”

  With that she stormed out and up the stairs. “Bloody control freak!” she yelled, just before her bedroom door slammed.

  Tom stood open-mouthed. He looked at me – not for support, surely? I stared back, shaking my head.

  “What? Oh, come on!” he said.

  “Like I said, Dad, nice one.” With that Sam left the kitchen. “Give me a shout when Robbie gets here. He’ll need all the support he can get,” she called from the stairs.

  “So the boy’s coming here to see us?” Max spoke at last. Again he looked from Tom to me. I put my hand on his.

  “Yes he is,” said Tom, looking at his watch. “I suppose we better get ready. Come on, Max, give your mum a hand clearing this lot away. I’m off to phone the hospital – I’ve a couple of patients to check on.”

  And then it was just Max and me left in the kitchen. I sat for a minute, stunned. Tom’s level of obliviousness was breathtaking.

  I could have said no to Tom. I could have said, you organised this, you clear up - I’ll get my marking done, and iron Max’s school sweatshirt. But I didn’t.

  In the end we didn’t need to give her a shout. It was Sam who ran to answer the door. She brought Andy and Robbie into the living room, where Tom and I were waiting. Sam went to fetch her sister and brothers. I wasn’t sure if they’d come, but if anyone could persuade them, Sam could.

  “Come in. Sit down,” I said, indicating the smaller of the two sofas. “I’m Rosie. You must be Robbie.” He looked even more scared than when we met the day before.

  “Yes,” was all he said as he sat down. Andy sat beside him.

  Tom seemed frozen. He was just standing there, staring at Robbie. He looked as scared as Robbie did. I turned to Andy. I felt as if the three of them knew something I didn’t.

  “Sit down, Rosie - Tom, you too.” Andy spoke gently, as I imagined he would when breaking bad news to some poor soul, bereaved in tragic circumstances. Sam returned with all three of her siblings.

  Jenny looked embarrassed and glared at her father. She managed to overcome her discomfort enough to say hi to Robbie. He smiled gratefully at her. All four children sat on the large sofa. Max squeezed between his sisters. Adam sat at one end, slightly apart from the others.

  When everyone was seated, Andy said, “Okay, Robbie, over to you.”

  Robbie looked directly at Tom as he began to speak. “I’m sorry for any trouble or worry I’ve caused you and Mrs McAllister - and Sam and Jenny too. I didn’t mean to scare anyone.” He glanced at the girls then looked back again at Tom. “I think you know, now you’ve met me, that I wouldn’t want to hurt your daughters, don’t you?” Tom shook his head. He looked like a trapped animal.

  “Dad, do you know Robbie already?” asked Jenny

  “Oh come on, Robbie, spit it out – is it me or Jenny you fancy?” asked Sam.

  “Shut up, Sam!” Tom was on his feet glaring down at Robbie.

  “Dad!” “Tom!” Sam and I spoke together.

  Robbie raised his hands in a pacifying gesture. “It’s okay, Mrs McAllister, Sam, I understand. Dr McAllister, I can see you know who I am. And Mum assumed you’d know all about me too, by now, Mrs McAllister.”

  “Know what? Tom?”

  “Let the boy talk.” Andy spoke gently.

  Robbie looked me in the eyes. “I’m Robbie Sutherland. I’m seventeen. I live in Edinburgh and I’m your nephew.”

  He couldn’t have shocked me more if he’d pulled a gun. Even as I asked him what he meant - and babbled about not having any nephews, only nieces who lived in Australia - I knew. I didn’t understand, but I knew he was Heather’s son. I gazed at him, this boy who’d seemed familiar to me the first time I saw him, this boy who was saying a mad, impossible thing.

  “No, no, not like this, please, not like this.” Tom was pacing now.

  “Tom?” I looked up at him from the sofa.

  He looked anguished as he ran his hand through his hair. He turned to the boy. “I can’t - I didn’t – your name – it wasn’t – it was James Robert – not Robbie. Christ, I need to think!”

  I was on my feet. I tried to grab his hand, to make him turn and face me. “Don’t,” he said, as he pushed past me and left the room.

  Andy stopped me from following Tom. “No, Rosie, leave him. I’ll go after him. You all need to hear what Robbie has come to say.”

  For a moment, after Andy left us, noone spoke. Robbie stood, looking uncomfortable. Max sat, still cuddled between his sisters. All three of them looked startled and apprehensive. Adam, on the other hand, sat forward, looking intently from me to Robbie.

  It was Max who broke the silence. “Mum, you’re very white. Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine, I’m fine.” I tried to sound reassuring. I sank down into the nearest armchair as my knees gave way. “What’s this all about, Robbie? What are you saying?”

  He spoke so quietly, a gentle assassin. “I’m your nephew - Heather’s son. I was adopted after she died. My parents told me about it as soon as they thought I could understand. Then last year they told me more of the details and that my birth mother had a sister.”

  I think I made a sound. I don’t know. I know I was crying.

  “I really didn’t want to upset you,” he continued. “It was just – I wanted to get to know you –my birth family. It wasn’t meant to be like this.”

  I wanted to stand up, lash out, tell him to go. I wanted him to stop. But I also wanted him to go on. Completely fascinated, I had to hear him out. So I sat and let this lovely, gentle, familiar stranger begin the dismantling of my life.

  “I honestly thought you knew about me. My mum - that is Sue Sutherland,
my adopted Mum - told me she met my birth mother’s brother and brother-in-law at the time of the adoption. So I assumed you’d know.”

  I could only shake my head.

  “Mum said to wait till I was eighteen and then she’d help me approach you through the authorities.”

  “So why didn’t you wait?” It was Adam who spoke. He sounded angry and cold.

  Robbie ran his hand through his hair, a painfully familiar gesture. “I couldn’t.” He looked back at me. “I suppose, once I knew you existed, I had a way of finding out more about my mother. It was such a strong feeling – I had to do it, I had to see you now. Mum has a folder of stuff from the time of the adoption. I sneaked a look at it. Dr McAllister’s name was in there, on a letter he sent when I was a baby – but there was no address, just an East Lothian postmark on the envelope.

  “Dad’s a surgeon. He’s Mr McAllister - not doctor.” There was contempt in Adam’s voice.

  “Yes, but the letter was written a long time ago – and I suppose he was still a doctor then.” Robbie turned to me once again. “I decided to make East Lothian the starting point for my search. I used the voters’ roll and telephone directories. There were a couple of false starts. But, in the end, it wasn’t that hard to track you down. I got this address and started to watch the house. Once I worked out where Sam and Jenny worked, I got the part time job at the supermarket. Then I got to know the girls and a bit about the family. I was fairly sure I’d found the right people. I only came round yesterday to check you out one last time before introducing myself. You weren’t meant to see me. I’m sorry.” He gave a slight shake of his head and held his palms towards me, before sitting back.

  I felt very strange. Can a person feel euphoria and dread at the same time? I gazed at this boy, this awful, beautiful boy; Heather’s son, my flesh and blood. I looked into his eyes. It was like that newborn moment between mother and child. I knew I loved him already. And I knew it was going to be a costly love. I put my arms out towards him and stood up. He got up to come to me.

  “Get away from her!” Adam was between us. He pushed Robbie. “Leave her alone!”

  Robbie put his hands out in front of him. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” He backed off. “I meant what I said. I didn’t come to cause trouble. I didn’t want to upset your mum or anyone. I just wanted to meet you all. You’re family – my family.”

  “Get out! Go away! Leave us alone. You can’t just come and claim us. You can’t come and invade our family. Why should we believe you anyway?” It was Adam’s turn to run his hands through his hair. I was mesmerised watching them. My son and Heather’s, squaring up, face to face, so physically alike.

  “Oh come on, Adam. Lighten up!” Sam stood as she spoke and opened her arms to Robbie. “I think it’s cool you’re our cousin – though it’ll be a disappointment to Jenny that you’re family. Welcome to our world – sorry about the parents! They’ll come round.” Sam hugged her new cousin.

  Jenny blushed at her sister’s teasing but recovered enough to stand up and stretch her hand out to Robbie too. “Ignore Sam. She likes her little jokes. It’s good to know who you really are. I’m pleased.”

  “Thank you.” Robbie smiled shyly.

  “Hi, Robbie – I’m Max,” Max pushed in front of his sisters and looked up at Robbie. “Our other cousins live in Australia and they’re girls. It’s cool to get a boy cousin.”

  “Thanks, Max.” Robbie smiled again.

  Adam grabbed Sam’s arm and spun her round to face him. “What do you think you’re doing? Why are you welcoming him? He’s barged into our family – telling us some rubbish about being related. He’s made Mum ill – look at her. Max, go and get Dad.”

  I was feeling quite sick. A wave of nausea had come and gone and I thought I might pass out. The euphoria was passing and the dread superseding it. I didn’t quite know yet what the source of this apprehension and fear was. Max looked ready to protest at being ordered about by his brother, but when Adam shouted, “Go!” - Max scuttled off.

  “Didn’t you see how upset Dad was?” Adam continued. “All because of him.”

  “Oh for heaven’s sake, Adam!” Sam shook her brother’s hand away. “Why do you always have to overreact to everything? Mum and Dad have had a shock. They’ll be fine. This is good news. Robbie is good news.”

  “It’ll be all right, Adam,” Jenny stroked her twin’s arm.

  “Get off me. It will not be all right. If he’s who he says he is, then what’s he after? He wants to wreck our family – upset Mum - take her away from us. Dad kept him a secret all this time for a reason. He must have known he’d be trouble. We don’t know anything about him. He’s probably a junkie like his mother.”

  I will never know what came over me at that moment. I stood up and I slapped my son hard across the face. “That’s enough! He’s my nephew. I don’t need proof. Look at him – he couldn’t be more like you if he was your brother. What do you think he wants? He wants to know us, his family. And don’t you ever speak about my sister in that tone again. How dare you!”

  I was upset, but I was also strangely detached, beside myself. I could see the shocked faces of all the children. Adam’s hand covered his sore cheek. Tears ran down his face. As he ran from the room, he collided with Tom in the doorway. Tom was followed by Max. Tom saw the slap. Mercifully, Max didn’t.

  “Rosie! What were you thinking? That was unforgivable! Max said you looked like you were going to faint but you’ve clearly recovered.”

  “What was I thinking? What about you? Why keep Robbie a secret all this time? Why did I have to find out like this after all these years? That’s unforgivable!”

  Then Tom started dishing out orders. “Sam, take Max upstairs – see he gets to bed. Jenny, see Robbie out and then go and help Sam with Max.”

  “I’m not a baby. I can get myself to bed,” Max protested.

  Sam looked at her father’s face, put an arm round Max’s shoulder and steered him towards the door. “Come on, Maxy – I’ll take you on at that new computer game of yours.”

  “Thanks, Sam,” said Tom. He put his hand on Robbie’s shoulder as he was going out the door, “I hope you’re proud of yourself. You’ve had your say, now get out of our house. Andy’s waiting in the car to take you back.”

  Robbie bowed his head and moved towards the door.

  But I wasn’t having him leave like this. I didn’t care what Tom wanted. I stepped in front of him. I touched Robbie’s arm. “It’s been a shock, Robbie. Give us - give me time to get used to the idea. I’m sorry.”

  “I’m sorry too,” said Robbie. He followed the others out. Tom closed the door behind the children.

  Chapter Seven

  “What were you doing, Rosie, hitting Adam? I know you’ve had a shock but…”

  I felt the fury building inside me as Tom spoke. We stood facing each other as the light faded outside. I wanted to shout, scream, cry. But I kept a grip on myself. I needed to focus, to understand. “I don’t think it’s me that has explaining to do, Tom. Is what Robbie says right?” My voice sounded calm and cold.

  Tom sank into a chair. “Yes, yes it’s right. Sit down, Rosie. You look terrible. Please, sit down and I’ll try to explain.”

  I sat. “Well?”

  Tom leant forwards, his hands clasped in front of him. “Just before she was due to have Robbie, Heather got in touch with me. She wanted to see me, to tell me about the baby. She didn’t want you to know.”

  “Why not and why did you agree to keep a secret like that from me?” My earlier feeling of dread was still there.

  “Well, apart from the fact that you’d been estranged for a couple of years, she was – I don’t know – embarrassed – thought you’d disapprove.”

  “But she clearly didn’t have a problem with you knowing. Why didn’t you say anything – why did you respect her wishes over telling me?”

  Tom got to his feet. He paced. “I wanted to protect you of course. You’d only recently had the t
wins. You’d had such a difficult pregnancy and birth. You weren’t well. I knew you’d worry – want to get involved.”

  “Yes – so what?” I looked up at him. “It was up to me to decide if I could cope –not you!” I got to my feet to face him.

  “Oh really!” Tom leant in close. “Do you remember what you were like, Rosie? Do you? Some days you couldn’t get out of bed. You were a mess. What could you have done? You couldn’t even look after yourself or your own-”

  “What – my own what? My own babies – is that what you were going to say? How dare you? They never suffered – not because of me. I was depressed, but at least I was here. Where were you, Tom? Where were you when your babies needed you? You were at your precious hospital or, as it turns out, spending time with my bloody sister.” I was no longer calm. I knew I should keep my voice down but I didn’t seem able to.

  “Now you’re being stupid.” Tom’s voice was also raised, his fists and jaw clenched. “I had to work. I made sure you and the children were being looked after. You had Ruby and Ma to help – thank goodness –because you certainly weren’t up to it.” Tom stopped as if to catch his breath. He dropped his shoulders. I could see him trying to get a grip on himself. When he spoke again his voice was quieter. “I just thought I’d wait until you were a bit stronger.”

  “But when I was stronger you still didn’t tell me.”

  Tom raised his arms in a helpless gesture. “I know. I would’ve told you – if Heather had lived. I think she’d have told you herself. She didn’t intend it to be a secret forever. She wanted to have the baby first –get her life sorted out –then tell you. But when she died, telling you seemed pointless.”

  “Why?”

  “You were estranged from her, Rosie. I knew how difficult it was for you ending contact. I knew you felt guilty about her death. You weren’t in a position to care for Robbie, and that would make you feel even worse. Robbie was safe and well with good people. He had a new family – a clean break seemed best-”